This is the Christian god. He’s a ghost and his own dad. It gets complicated when you have multiple personality disorder. Now his real name has been lost in history, which may be why we can never get his attention anymore! But you’d try to hide your real name too if it was Dinkleberry! His story goes back a long way, but for time’s sake we’ll start with Biblical book of Genesis. Dinkleberry has been sitting alone in the dark for eternity. He finally gets bored and speaks light and the universe into existence. While at it, he creates vestigial organs, ring species, and increases the speed of light for stars placed billions of light years away. He decreases the half-life of radioactive isotopes, and organizes the fossil record – all as a cruel joke on scientists, and so he can test your faith. He wanted to use evolution but was afraid if it took longer than six days, he’d miss church. Attention hungry, and in desperate need of someone to manage his new creation, Dinkleberry breathes on a handful of dusty powder (probably cocaine) and makes his doppelganger, Adam. This exhausts him, so he calls a holiday and demands worship. Now every critter on earth is given something to shag. . Except for Adam. Dinkleberry realizes after the fact that he’s not a suitable partner for Adam. So he anesthetizes the man, yanks a rib out of him, and turns it into Eve. Eve is really just there to cause trouble and spit out babies, but you can’t have too high expectations from a plate of ribs. Wha? Don’t look at ME like that! The Bible hates women. I didn’t write it! Adam on the other hand is given the tremendous responsibility of gardening and naming all of the animals, and since there’s millions of them, he either had a lot of time or a killer memory, but probably not the latter given what happens next. A slimy, blathering reptile comes along and promises the lovely, young couple knowledge. After all, they’re kind of stupid, but they want to be just like their heavenly dad. – minus the multiple personalities of course! To get smart, they must gobble a hunk of fruit that Dinkleberry specifically told them not to eat on pain of death. The Bible doesn’t say exactly what kind of fruit it was, probably because Adam forgot, and nobody wrote it down, but it was most likely a Jabuticaba. They forget God’s command and eat it anyway. Seriously!? Who put this half-wit in charge of humanity’s fate? Oh that’s right… To the couple’s credit, at this point, Dinkleberry hasn’t given either of them any knowledge of right and wrong, so they don’t really know that disobedience is bad. But he punishes them anyway, because after all, they did eat from the deliciously alluring tree that he placed smack dab in the middle of their garden. Spoiler alert! Because Dinkles knows how reverse psychology works, this was really all part of his master suicide plan, but we’ll get to that in a future video. The first couple doesn’t actually die straight away, but as punishment for their sin, humanity is cursed with two different kinds of hard labor – at least until white collar jobs and anesthesia come along. Dinkleberry evicts Adam and Eve from their garden, placing a fiery sword-man on duty to guard its bushy entrance. and that’s the last we hear of it. His final command to the poor couple is to have a TON of babies. So they wander off into the wilderness and create a plethora of little meat sacks who have to reproduce incestuously in order to populate the earth. Don’t worry about genetics. Science didn’t work back then. Adam lives for 930 years, for no reason at all, before biting the dust he came from. If Genghis Khan had lived that long, he’d still be pillaging and raping your mom. Most of Adam’s years were spent in the garden naming animals, because with over 100 million species, it would have taken 900 years at a rate of one every 5 minutes to name them all. That’s without sleep, and assuming he worked on Sunday. But the Bible says he did it, and who am I to ask questions. After Adam and Eve ate the Jabuticaba, they instantly realized that they were naked. And even though they were the only people on earth, and a nudist colony probably would have been OK, Dinkleberry slaughters and skins an animal for them. They get a coat, and he doesn’t have to stare at their junk. Dinkleberry hates foreskins, but he wouldn’t teach them how to cut one off for another few thousand years. Adam’s sin cursed all of humanity. Including you, your grandma, and your baby nephew, Timmy. Because of it, Dinkleberry created an eternal, fiery torture pit just for the lot of you. Unless of course, you sacrifice your critical faculties and believe in this ridiculous fairytale. And then you’ll get to go to shiny, happy, fun land and worship Dinkleberry forever and ever! (victorious kazoo!) Also, if you don’t like, subscribe, and share this video, then there’s a terrible, eternal, fiery torture awaiting you. Well… Probably not. But is it really worth the risk?