*Ominous Music Plays* *Radio Sounds* Doc: Come in Command. Come in Command, this is Medical Officer Dufresne. I have arrived at Freelancer Program Simulation Outpost Seventeen. Command? Come in? Come in, this is Medical Officer Dufresne. I have reached FPS Outpost 17. Simmons: Hey, down here, we’re over here! Hey, come down here! Doc: Never mind Command, I think I see the objective. Stupid radio doesn’t work anyway. What else is new. Holy cow, Simmons! Is that you? Simmons: Oh, hey Doc. Man, I didn’t know they’d send you. Doc: Yeah, we got the radio call and I was the closest medic so they sent me. But I didn’t know it’d be you guys! Small galaxy, huh? Man, we got a lotta catching up to do. So what’s up, somebody hurt or what? What’s going on? Simmons: Him. Doc: Him? Um, he’s dead. Simmons: Yeah, he is. He was shot. Doc: Um, Simmons, I know it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, and I have increased my skill as a medic in that time, but dead is still pretty much outside my jurisdiction. Simmons: Man, I just didn’t know they’d send you. Doc: Yeah, you said that already. Hey is everything okay with you? Simmons: It’s not my fault Doc, I- I had to make the call, they made me. They needed someone with medical training. Doc: What’re you talkin’ about? Simmons: I didn’t mean for you to get involved, I’m sorry, really. Doc: Sorry about what? Uh oh. Washington: He’s sorry about us. Tucker: Hey Grif, what’s up? Grif: Hm? Oh. Hey Tucker. Tucker: What’re you doing? Grif: Well, Sarge told me to bury all the bodies from our battle… Tucker: That’s a lotta graves. Lotta holes to fill. Bow chicka bow wow. Grif: And now I can’t find ’em, because the bodies were piled up over here, by these stone pillars, and then the wind came and blew sand all over the damn things Tucker: So I guess they’re already buried. Good job dude. Grif: I like the way you think. Sarge: Grif, what the hell are you doing up here? I thought I told you to bury those… bodies. What? Tucker: He did, he buried the shit out of them, look. What the- I only gave you that order five minutes ago. How’d you do it so fast? Did you help him? Tucker: Help him? Dude, we’ve been fighting for like eight years, haven’t you learned anything about me yet? I’m a lover, not a digger. Grif: Yeheah, maybe he woulda helped me if some of the bodies were dead ladies. And I realise that sounded a lot creepier than what I intended. Sarge: Well, does someone wanna say a few words? Grif: Words? Sarge: Yes, these men were soldiers. Even if they were enemy soldiers, they still deserve a eulogy. Tucker: Well don’t look at me, I’m a lover not a talker. Hey dude, you wanna make another sex with dead people joke? Grif: No, I think I hit my quota. Sarge: Well what about your buddy mister cult leader? Church: So, then was one guy, said some things to another guy, and the people liked it. And that’s pretty much that. Tucker: It’s not his fault, those aliens just worship this ancient technology. And the people who made it. Huh huh what’s a brother gonna do? Sarge: Who in Sam Hell worships technology? Grif: Are they from the Internet? Caboose: Yes, this is just very interesting. I understand everything that is being said. Good. Tucker: Caboose, what’re you doing, get outta there. Caboose: It’s not fair! Hya- I worshiped Church, way before it was cool to worship him. Grif: Hey, I already told you, that’s still not cool. That will never, be cool. Ever. Church: Oh hey there guys. How’s life among all the non-deities? Pretty lame, I bet! Pretty sure none of you’ve been worshipped all day long today. Weak! Sarge: Do ya think you guys might be milkin’ this just a bit? Tucker: Hey, do you want to tell the big group of deadly aliens that they’re mistaken and he’s not who they think he is? Sarge: Hm, I see your point. Hey, your circular holiness! How ’bout delivering the eulogy? We’re buryin’ most of these guys ’cause of you anyway. Church: Me? I only lasered one guy. Caboose: Which was awesome. Church: I know it was, right? Caboose: So cool. The laser came out of your face. Tucker: Have you been able to figure out how you did that yet? Church: No, I think it’s just because I got really mad. Hey, say something to make me angry. See if it happens again. Tucker: You’re ugly and nobody likes you. Grif: You’re annoying and your team sucks. Caboose: You’re round and you can’t wear pants. Church: You guys came up with all that really quickly. Tucker: Eh, it pays to be prepared. Did it work? Are you pissed? Church: No, I think I’m actually kinda depressed now. Caboose is right. I can’t wear pants. Caboose: Well I only said it because everyone is thinking it. Tucker: Maybe mad makes a red laser, and depressed’ll make a blue laser. Caboose: Well I hope we don’t find out what makes a brown laser. Sarge: You idiots shut up. Hey Globey, you makin’ a speech or ain’t ya? Church: Hey sure no problem. I did a sermon just the other day that the aliens loved Tucker: Sermon? You just read them the setup guide to our Inkjet printer. Church: Yeah, and they eat that gadget stuff up. You gotta know your audience buddy. Grif: How is it possible that ever since Caboose revived you, you can’t remember anything except how to be a jackass? Tucker: Some things are hardwired. Church: Attention true believers. And… other people. We are here today to pay our final, and our first, respects, to the dearly departed. But first, I’d like you all to join me in a song, in honor of me. Hm. I am the best. Grif & Sarge: Skip it. Church: Fine. Okay, uh, in the beginning, there was darkness. and uh, and out from the darkness came a voice. And it said… And it said… Uh… Uh-out- out from the darkness came… Out from the darkness… Grif: Is his playback skipping? Tucker: I don’t know. Sarge: Maybe he needs a reboot. Good thing I wore my boots. I’ll reboot him right in the keister. Hheh heh. Church: Out from the darkness came uh, someone. I’ll be right back. Tucker: Uh oh, the natives are getting restless. Caboose, get up there and stall ’em, I’ll figure out what’s going on. Caboose: Yes, and out of the darkness came someone! And that someone was me! Yes. And I said, funerals are sad, and we should have a birthday party instead, yes! Yes, let there be cake! Um, hallelujah, gesundheit. Church: Hey you! Hold on a second, who are you? Hey I’m talkin’ to you, what are you deaf? What are you… What? Tucker: Church! Hey Church, what’re you doing out here man? Church: Hu-whu? Tucker: The aliens don’t like it when you leave them alone. And I don’t like it when the aliens don’t like stuff. Church: Did you see him? Tucker: Who? Church: The person, from the darkness, the- no, th- that’s not right, that’s not right. Well did you see? Sarge: What’s he talkin’ about? Tucker: I think he’s having another memory flash. Sarge: A what? Tucker: Random memories that keep coming back to him. He’s been getting ’em more and more lately and I don’t think he has any control over ’em. He gets all emo too, it’s annoying. Like having a chick around, but without all the fun parts of having a chick around. Like bonin’! Sarge: You should take out his memory unit and blow on it. That’ll fix it. Caboose: Is he having more memories? Tucker: Yep. Caboose: Did he remember me this time? Tucker: Nope. Church: I saw a canyon, and uh, a waterfall. And there was some kinda dark figure there. Caboose: Was the dark figure me? Tucker: Caboose, we will let you know if you come up, I promise. A waterfall, huh? That’s the second time you’ve talked about that. Church: Yeah, but where could that be? Grif: Uh, that sounds like our new bases. Caboose: It does? It does! Tucker: What? Caboose, why didn’t you mention that the first time? Caboose: Um, I didn’t remember it? Tucker: You didn’t remember a waterfall? Dude, that’s like not remembering your first girlfriend turned out to have a dick. Right Grif? Grif: Sometimes I’m sorry I even told you that story. Simmons: Greetings, fellow websurfer! Be sure to subscribe to our channel before you go! It’ll be just like we’re friends. Not that I need friends. *Nervous Laughter* Please don’t go!